Am I checking in or checking out?

Most people don’t even notice how much they’re checking out of themselves.

Scrolling, smoking, eating, arguing, getting busy.

Anything to avoid what’s actually happening inside.

And usually we only check in when life starts getting loud.

When the body is tired of holding everything.

When anxiety shows up.

When relationships get shaky.

When the weed stops feeling like a friend and starts feeling like a distraction.

But checking in isn’t something you do at the end of the spiral.

It’s something that keeps you steady before the spiral even begins.

I used to check out a lot.

Especially with weed.

Not in a conscious way.

Just drifting away from myself without even realising it.

And it wasn’t until I got honest that I understood the real thing happening.

Weed wasn’t the problem.

I was just using it to avoid myself.

Avoid my emotions.

Avoid the truth I didn’t want to sit with.

That’s when checking in actually clicked for me.

Checking in is simple.

It’s asking myself:

What’s going on in me right now?

Is this even mine?

Do I need to let this go or actually integrate it?

Am I choosing this or escaping something?

Those questions changed everything.

Not because they’re deep or spiritual.

But because they pulled me back into myself.

And this is what I want to say clearly.

I’m not expecting anyone to quit weed forever.

I’m not even expecting that of myself.

Taking breaks is powerful, yes, but I don’t believe in demonising the plant.

For me it’s about the relationship you build with it.

Checking in instead of checking out gave me space to actually honour myself and honour Santa María.

I stopped using her to hide and started using her to expand.

I realised I could enjoy the same moments, the same highs, the same creativity, the same connection, but from a conscious place rather than a numbing place.

And just that mental shift, that reframing, changed everything for me.

It allowed me to keep my relationship with the plant but in a cleaner, more positive, more intentional way.

I’m honestly grateful for that.

And I’m grateful to share it with anyone who needs to hear it.

Because when you learn to check in, even for a moment, you stop abandoning yourself.

You move differently.

Life feels different.

And the things you love become things that support you instead of things you hide behind.

That’s the whole point.

Checking in.

Even if it’s just one breath.

Tony Rianna

December 5th, 2025